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In these times of troubled men. [entries|friends|calendar]
Walter Ryan Ezekiel Bolling

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[01 Jul 2016|03:19am]

I'm not a sucker for fairy tales. Love and I parted ways long ago. Much like my hope for finding "her."
People have always told me throughout life that when you find the One you will know.
How silly is that?
You will know...

I met her.
On what seemed like a normal day. Lunch has never been the same since that day at El Castillo.
She's not a super model. The media wouldn't noticed her.
But I noticed her.
The moment I saw her eyes I lost it all. Blank.
I was short of breath. My head spun. I was lost in her.
I just wanted to hear her speak.
I was caught in her eyes. And I never look people in the eyes when I talk to them.
It's crazy.
These feelings are completely new to me.
Maybe it was a golden opportunity.
Maybe I was overreacting.
Whatever it was, it scares me.
It scared the Hell out of me.
But not anymore.

I may never see her again because of the mistakes I've made. But for that moment I swear I knew what romantic love was.

It's not fair.
She captivates me. My mind spins out of control, racing to thousands of places. All the possibilities, the outcomes, standing there in my imagination. Sappy music. Sunrises. Sunsets. All the atypical scenarios. And the unorthodox ones

I need this.
I want this.
But it seems I can't have it.

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[19 Feb 2014|12:20am]

This is a story that keeps bugging me at night.
There was a boy who fell in love. But it was too late. He tried so hard to catch his love with no real help other than his own. He went out of his way. To other states. To places with people he didn't know. To places where he was the only English speaking person. He slept in floors. He slept in cars. He put his body through trials that he didn't think he could handle. He cried from pain while trying to sleep. But he kept trying.
There were other people who had a head start on this love. They were bigger. And stronger. But the boy was smart. And he studied. He spent countless hours alone finding ways to master his plan. And found a way to show his worth. But was overlooked by his love time and time again.
Maybe it was his fault. You can blame other things. No background. No help. Bad decisions. But ultimately maybe it was his fault.
Until one day he realized, maybe his purpose wasn't to catch this love and hold it. The love was actually with him all along. His purpose was to share it. Expand it. To let it grow. To let others see what he saw in this love.

Maybe I'm not meant to play on a big stage. No fancy lights. No fans. I'm not a conceited person. I'm not very confident in many aspects actually. But I know I was better than some, maybe most, of those other people who sought the love as well.
But maybe my purpose is to build something for people behind me to see.
Since 2002 I have loved the game of soccer more than my life itself. And in doing so I was caught up and missed out on a lot. I left my friends on other sports teams to pursue a dream. And every time I look back I see failure on my behalf. In soccer. And in my teenage years. I missed basketball. I missed a lot of days that I could've "wasted" with my friends.
I have become one of the only people from my home to really travel and play this sport until recently. I began working with the local youth league in 2008. Since then we have established travel teams, rivalries with other counties, and a core group of kids who see the sport as something they can continue to play. Parents ask me questions daily and some send their kids with me to Ohio. And some want me to work one on one as a teacher.
As a coach since then I've lost 6 games and tied none. My u15s and u12s win by 3 goals or more and still have fun. Though we aren't as fundamentally and tactically sound as I'd like I enjoy their smiling faces when we work on something new and difficult.
I've given speeches in front of school boards and athletic directors to start high school teams. And last year, for the first time our county schools fielded varsity teams.
We now field adult rec teams during the summer. I bring people to Columbus to see live soccer. And at the last USA Mexico game, this little mountain home of mine had 6 people in the stands cheering on their country. None of them came with me. They did it on their own.
My name is synonymous with soccer in Wise, Virginia. Almost daily I am asked why I am still here or the bigger question,"why soccer?"
Maybe it's because my job is to spread this "gospel" of the beautiful game. I don't really think anyone will remember the boy who fell in love in years to come. But to think that one day people from my home won't look at soccer fields in confusion but rather in respect is my new dream. I want people to see what I see. A game, a simple little game, that unites people from countries in despair. It gives hope. It gives a common denominator. It gives purpose. Those moments when 25,000 people surrounding you exhale in pure joyous glory. With you. Those are magic.
Some people work their entire lives and never find something to love.
I'm not one if those people.
And though my roots were planted too late in my life, it's not too late to share what I love in other people's lives.

I doubt this makes sense. But it's odd to me. I hope Liam doesn't fall for soccer. It won't disappoint me if he never plays. But I hope he sees what his father is doing and conveys his own love to something that truly makes him happy.

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[15 Jul 2013|08:38pm]

A lot of people take for granted the mental challenges that athletes face, especially when their name is not called upon consistently. The preparation, both mentally and physically, that one must endure throughout the course of a strenuous season is often overlooked. Anything can happen, to anybody, and if your chance to play comes around, you have to make the most of it. In a professional environment, depending on the situation, you may only get one chance to prove your worth. That chance may manufacture itself in the most inconvenient of ways, such as pregame, during the game, etc. I know what it's like to churn out worthy appearances in inconvenient ways

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Maybe it's me... [29 Jun 2013|12:17am]

"And I don't want the world to see me. Because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."
I truly believe that the Goo Goo Dolls nailed what everyone feels with these lyrics.
Sometimes in life we find people that enable us to be ourselves freely. Other times we find the people who make us shelve everything we want to be and express.
I haven't felt truly alive in quite sometime now. The feeling comes and goes.
As we grow older friends move on and develop family lives of their own. Losing touch honestly hurts. And I find myself experiencing feelings that I haven't had burst through since teenage years. Those empty stomach feelings certain people make you experience. It's sickening yet what you want.
Why do we put ourselves through such pain? Caring is natural I imagine. So why does it hurt so much?
I just want to be me. Be who I am inside. Yet the people that help me achieve this feeling are either gone or not meant to be around me.
What do we do to deserve these aches and pains?
And how do they subside?
WREB

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Thoughts of the road. [22 Jun 2013|12:01pm]

As I sit and wait on Liam to arrive I can't help but think how much he has changed my life for the better.
I've gone through so much in his short time here but nothing can ever change the positive impact he has had on my life already.
He's taught me that love isn't what we normally believe it is. He's taught me that love is unconditional. It doesn't wane with moods. It flourishes no matter what the situation may be.
Patience has also been implemented into my life by his presence. Before Liam I had very little patience for most anything. After a while, though, you see that patience is beautiful. Take what you have and cherish it for every moment you breathe. Take nothing for granted because you never know when things may change.
Life is very unexpected. Twists and turns are it's subtle way of shaping who we become as people during our growth.

WREB

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It's all in how you mix the two... [09 Sep 2010|09:17pm]

I hate it.
Life.
There's something about the past few months that make me want to run away.
All the decisions that I make are wrong.
I try to justify my bad decision making in my mind but I've got nothing.
No reason.
The only person to blame is myself. I've made enough bad choices. Now they haunt me.


A long time ago, in second grade, I was positive I'd be a pro athlete.
By sixth grade I was settling for being a coach.
My junior year of high school I knew I was going to be an architect.
Now I'm in my fifth year of college trudging through to a physical education degree.
What the hell am I doing?

With a daughter on the way and me not being able to find hope for myself, what hope does she have?
But then again, maybe she is my hope. Maybe she is what will make me understand why this wretched life is actually worthwhile.

One can only hope.
So when she's here maybe I'll open my eyes.
Maybe I will be happy. And stay that way.
Until she says, "Dad, I made the cheerleading squad!"
Then we will have a long talk...
I need to find myself and what truly is my happiness. Sorry everyone, but I’m sick of making you all happy.

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I ain't changed but I know I ain't the same... [10 Feb 2010|03:03pm]
[ mood | restless ]

This is my mission.
My manifesto.
My belief.
My conviction.
My passion.

You can stop at enough and go no further. Satisfied with being just another name on the teamsheet.
Or you could be their worst nightmare.
The one who can turn a game in an instant,
Who gladly takes the penalty in the 90th minute,
Who not only bleeds for his team but bleeds into them.
The one who sees the pass that no one else sees,
Makes the tackle that turns desperate defense into decisive attack,
Who turns doubt into belief,
A bus ride home in silence into one spent in deafening celebration.
Be the one they worry about days before kickoff.
Be the one they want injured in the warm-up.
Who blurs the line between hate and respect.
Who can never be stopped, only feared.
Make your mark on each and every game.
Today.
Tomorrow.
In training.
Next Saturday.
Make the difference.

Joga bonito.

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Damn this dusty room [25 Mar 2008|05:23pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I'm starting to do that thing again where I think too much and it drives me to the brink of insanity.
For so long I had been doing so well.
Everything was good.
Now one little thing goes listing lazily to the left and I'm completely off kilter.
Blah.
I need to quit this.
But itis quite hard to.

I just want to talk about it but I have no idea what to say.

I'm going to go run and hopefully it'll come to me.
My mind is always at its best when I'm out there dodging cars.

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[24 May 2007|01:39pm]
[ mood | bored ]

That's how you got us on the reservation.
Don't talk to me about segregation.

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[24 Apr 2007|09:23pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I would swallow my pride. I would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing.
Wanna put my tender heart in a blender. Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous, then I'm through with you.
I've burn, burn like a wicker cabinet. Chalk white and oh so frail. I see our time has gotten stale
The tick tock of the clock is painful. All sane and logical. I want to tear it off the wall. I hear words and clips and phrases and I think sick like ginger ale. My stomach turns and I exhale
I would swallow my pride. I would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. I would swallow my doubt and turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Wanna put my tender heart in a blender. Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous, then I'm through with you.
So callous where my mind states but it's not my state of mind. I'm not as ugly, sad as you. Or am I origami? Fold it up and just pretend. Demented as the motives in your head.
I would swallow my pride. I would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. I would swallow my doubt. Turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Wanna put my tender heart in a blender. Watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous, then I'm through with you.
But I alone am the one you don't know. You need to keep for your ego. Make me blind when your eyes close. Sink when you get close. Tie me to the bedpost. I alone am the one you don't know. You need you don't you need me. Make me blind when your eyes close. Tie me to the bedpost.
I would swallow my pride. I would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. Swallow my doubt. Turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Wanna put my tender heart in a blender and watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous, then I'm through.
Now I'm through with you.
Through with you.
Rendezvous then I'm through with you.

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[19 Apr 2007|06:12pm]
[ mood | Hmm... ]

Life is so damn weird.
I move in less than a week. I feel so happy on the inside. Why can’t I show it on the outside?
So many things are running through that overburdened mind of mine, and it makes it so hard to find the time to smile and realize what I have in front of me.
I want something so badly that it’s keeping me from just seizing and appreciating what I do have.
This friendship is what I treasure.
Why?
Why do I do this to myself?
You know what?
Forget it. Never worry. Who needs that?
Just live.
Live for right now.
Haha. That’s funny stuff.
Moving on…
How is everyone?
I hope you are all okay.


Now I will go.
Everyone have fun and buckle up.


Your Birthdate: March 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!

Your strength: Your self sufficiency

Your weakness: You despise authority

Your power color: Maroon

Your power symbol: Hammer

Your power month: July
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Sometimes...I go a little crazy... [17 Mar 2007|07:05pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Well, here I go again. Time to rant about the same thing I do every time I make a new entry.
Let’s jump on in, shall we?

School is boring. I only have seven weeks left.
Life is boring since basketball season ended.
I need a job but I don’t know where to work.
I want to play soccer again.
Sometimes I hope that this is one of those things I am completely wrong about. Actually, I hope to God I am wrong about it.
My cholesterol is good for once! High five!
Food sounds great right now, though.

Well I am out. Who knows when I’ll be back again?
Peace and love to all of you.

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We've got a city to love... [07 Jan 2007|04:40am]
[ mood | awake ]

Well hello there, my friends. How are you?
That's Great/I'm sorry. (circle one answer)
My life is alright, I suppose.
I'll try and fill you in if I can remember anything.
AFTER CHRISTMAS- Arby's Classic. That's all I have to say. Dr. Michael Crop High missed ten lay-ups in the championship game but when you have a forward who scored 27 points from behind the arc no one seems to notice.
NEW YEARS- I went to play basketball at Bobby's house. It started raining as soon as we got there. Oh yeah, and I could tell why we were actually playing outside in December instead of in the nice, heated college gym. Well, the campus police doesn't like us there. Apparently we are going to steal the damn goal or something. We get turned away every time we go there. They must want us to pick up drug habits since we have nothing to do. Anyway...I got off track. Sorry. It rained. We sat in Bobby's and acted dumb, the normal. I left and went to Joy's. Mike Jones and everyone under the sun including their uncle was their. We watched A New Hope and I was so into it no one knew I was there because I did not speak. Amazing, huh? After that I went home and sat around. I fell asleep at 8:30 on New Year's Eve. How cool am I? Travis called and woke me up around 10:30 and invited me out. We partied a bit, raised Hell, watched football, and laughed our poor little butts off. I came home around 3 and Janice still wasn't here. Amazing, huh?
SOMETIME LAST WEEK- I've been to about a million and one basketball games already. We rented to Camp Bethel to play ball in for a while one day. Travis and I ate at Chili's with the real Chuck Norris. He has a picture on his phone if you don't believe me. I watched Pursuit of Happyness. It's a great movie. Tuna and Liz hung out with me. Fun times. Futurama rules all life.
TODAY- Football time, baby. We played on the turf at UVA. I was 6 for 7 in catches with four touchdowns and three stops on D. The more I think about it the more I know I could have been All District, maybe even All Region if Kelly would have had a quarterback who could throw. Charlie Reeves was there today. I hadn't seen him in a while, not since his brother's passing. It was nice to play with him. He's such a good guy. Poor Travis was picked second by the other team and they never threw to him or Wes. After that some of us ate at Huddle House and came back to my house and played basketball. Reno's was our next stop. Mmm, steak. Kwynn and Stephanie came over and joined Travis, Wes, and I at a game of Family Feud. After that I went to Wes' house and Travis and I owned him at ESPN Scene it?. Kidding. He knew all of those damned Tennis questions...lucky.
Well, now I am here. It's 3:30 and I am hungry. No plans for tomorrow. None for the week. I go back to school on the fifteenth, which I can't wait for. I need to be busy so that I don't think too much. Sleep doesn't work, I can't do that anymore.
Yeah...
Goodnight you guys. Sleep for me.
May the force be with us all.

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That Jack Link... [09 Dec 2006|01:05am]
[ mood | Coffee!!!!!! ]

Listen to The (Take) Action.

...

Well...

What are you waiting for?
Find them on myspace.
I dare you.




Go J.I. Burton Black Raiders.

3 comments|post comment

Don't ever tell me Iverson is just another thug. [18 Nov 2006|12:32am]
[ mood | lazy ]

Allen Iverson will pay for the funeral of a man who died three years after he was shot in southwest Philadelphia because he refused to hand over his Iverson jersey to a group of teens.

Iverson says he's tired of reading about murders in Philadelphia and wanted to do something.
"I don't think one guy can do what needs to be done, but I think one guy can help," Iverson said before Wednesday night's game in Seattle. "I think it's going to take a collective effort. and there is a lot of good people trying to help the situation in Philadelphia."

Kevin Johnson died Tuesday morning after his family chose to take him off life support. He was 22.

On June 24, 2003, a group of teens approached Johnson while he was waiting for a trolley and demanded he give up the Iverson jersey he was wearing. When he refused, Johnson was shot in the back of the neck by Robert Ferguson, who is serving a prison sentence on attempted murder charges.

The shooting left Johnson paralyzed, in a wheelchair and eventually on a ventilator. Last week, the ventilator failed, and Johnson suffered irreparable brain damage. The family chose to take him off it.

"It was time for Kevin to go home," Johnson's mother, Janice Jackson-Burke told the Philadelphia Daily News.

Johnson's funeral is set for next Wednesday, with the expenses covered by Iverson.

The seven-time All-Star contacted the hospital and spoke with Jackson-Burke. She told Iverson how much her son adored Iverson's play and how much he loved the Sixers.

"If they were that serious about that jersey, I would have given them 100 jerseys if they wanted it," Iverson said. "It was just tough, just to see somebody die for something senseless like that, over a jersey, over something material."

After he was left a quadriplegic, Johnson and his mother spoke at schools and rallies in the Philadelphia area about staying away from guns. He'll be buried in an Iverson jersey.

The family asked Iverson to attend the service, but the Sixers play that night in Milwaukee. Iverson said he talked to the family about not wanting to disrespect them, or for them to believe his offer was simply for publicity.

"I felt like I have got to do something more than what I have been doing to help this situation as much as I can," Iverson said. "If I can reach one person and take one death away, I think I can do something."

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And the list continues... [14 Oct 2006|12:57am]
[ mood | Unloved ]

Father of mine tell me where have you been? You know, I just closed my eyes and my whole world disappeared. Father of mine; take me back to the day when I was still your golden boy…back before you went away. I remember the blue skies while walking the block. I loved it when you held me high. I loved to hear you talk. You would take me to the movie. You would take me to the beach. Take me to a place inside that is so hard to reach. Father of mine, tell me where did you go? You had the world inside your hand but you did not seem to know. Father of mine, tell me what do you see when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me? I was ten years old, doing all that I could. It wasn't easy for me to be a scared white boy in a black neighborhood. Sometimes you would send me a birthday card with a five dollar bill. I never understood you then and I guess I never will. My dad he gave me a name then he walked away. Father of mine; tell me how do you sleep with the children you abandoned and the wife I saw you beat. I will never be safe. I will never be sane. I will always be weird inside. I will always be lame. Now I am a grown man with a child of my own and I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known.
Then he walked away…
Daddy gave me a name…
Then he walked away…
My dad gave me a name…
Then he walked away…

So...

What's a dad for, dad? Tell me why I'm here, dad. Whisper in my ear that I'm growing up to be a better man, dad. Everything is fine, dad. Proud that you are mine, dad, cause I know I'm growing up to be a better man. Father I will always be that same boy that stood by the sea and watched you tower over me. Now I'm older I want to be the same as you. What's a dad for, dad? Taught me how to stand, dad. Took me by the hand and you showed me how to be a bigger man, dad. Listen when you talk, dad. Follow where you walk, dad. And you know that I will always do the best I can. Father I will always be that same boy that stood by the sea and watched you tower over me. Now I'm older I want to be the same as you…
The same as you…
Father I will always be that same boy that stood by the sea and watched you tower over me. Now I'm older I want to be the same as you. When I am a dad, dad, I'm going to be a good, dad. Did the best you could, dad. Always understood, dad. Taught me what was right, dad. Opened up my eyes, dad. Glad to call you my, dad. Thank you for my life, dad…


Don't worry...I am just as confused as you guys are...

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I am so bored... [11 Oct 2006|06:01pm]
[ mood | ..chirp chirp...chirp chirp.. ]

I need this shirt...
http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/jesushatestheyankees/male
If only someone would buy it for me...hint hint, Darcey.
Anyway...the Yankees are having a horrible time. The plane crash and the tigers are getting the best of them.
But yeah.
I have a flag football game in like an hour, so I need to get ready.
Here are some great lyrics for you people to enjoy.

Good and bad, I swear I've had them both are overrated
But isn't it fun, when you get hold of one
Some go bad and some come back, the good ones all get taken
I'm calling a bluff, you ain't strong enough

Wait and play you'll pick on me
The day I raised my hand
Guess that I've been blessed, but I'll be damned

Halo
God only knows
Right behind the everywhere I go
Halo
God only knows
Right behind the everywhere I go

Say your prayers when you get scared, pray you're gonna make it
And then we're done, you keep fucking up
One day soon I'll disappear and if you'll come I'll take you
Somewhere go, to keep from growing old

Wait and play you'll pick on me
The day I raised my hand
Guess that I've been blessed, but I'll be damned

Halo
God only knows
Right behind the everywhere I go
Halo
God only knows
Right behind the everywhere I go

Disappear the light is fading
Disappear outside their rage
Disappear I'm tired of waiting
Disappear before we fade away

Halo
God only knows
Right behind the everywhere I go
Halo
God only knows
Right behind the everywhere I go

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Who knows....every dog has his day... [01 Oct 2006|02:45pm]
[ mood | weird ]

Wow…that’s all I have to say. Life is so unexpected. Or at least it seems so. It could be the fact that I am pretty oblivious to everything that goes on around me. Either way……wow…
Let’s see…What can we chat about? Hmm…
The Titans are coming back on the Cowboys….yay.
ANYWAY…..I’m sure that there are so many questions people want answered….


Crickets chirping…

…Guess not.
Well. I am off to finish my English paper.
Have a good one!

5 comments|post comment

well..... [12 Sep 2006|01:56am]
[ mood | ...o.....kay.... ]

This day could be the worst one yet. I just won't relax, I can't catch my breath because I'm sick and tired of "you'll be fine." Well how do you know, can you read minds? So take it while you can so you can meet demands. My insanity is what you thrive on so rip it from my soul so everyone will know in the end we were never friends. Have you ever felt lost inside? So unloved within that you almost died? Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside? Don't push your ignorance on me. I'm not unrehearsed to your jealousy and I know you think I don't see the signs. Well how do you know, do I look blind? So take it while you can so you can meet demands. My breakdown is what you thrive on so rip it from my soul so everyone will know in the end that I'm the break....and you're the bend.

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R.I.P. S.I........I will miss you, you crazy, crazy man. [04 Sep 2006|10:35pm]
[ mood | Fucking starving. ]

The Big Fuckin' Green: Vannessa, Ian(Jesus...shh....don't tell, though), Sean, Floppy, Devin, Ryan, Conan, Max, Rex, Mack, Bott, Zac, Fred, Smiddy, Dakota, Sexy Wesley, Lee, J-Stew, Redman, David, and Captain Jell-o. That's right, CAPTAIN FUCKIN' JELL-O!
Our first game was yesterday.....yeah...not pretty. Only two out of the nine of us that showed up had played soccer before. 3-0....it's okay, though. Today was much better. About three minutes in Fred found the back of the net. He is crazy fly man. He is way faster than I could ever dream of being. Anyway, we still lost in the end but we held together as a team. Our structure was great, we played as a unit. Passing could be worked on a little but we are going to hopefully have a practice session Saturday if possible. Yay,Big Green!
Life....haha, funny.
Umm...there is really nothing else...this weekend completely sucked worse than a Hoover.

Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see. Every single day what you say makes no sense to me. Even though I try I can't get my head around you.
Somewhere in the night there's a light in front of me. Heaven up above with a shove, ABANDONS me. Even though I try I fall in the river of you. You've managed to bring me down too.
All your faking. (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)
Shows you're aching. (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)

Every single day what you say makes no sense to me. Letting you inside, isn't right, don't mess with me. I never really know what's really going on inside you. I can't get my head around you.

All your feeding. (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)
Shows you're bleeding. (Get Up, Get Up, Get Up)

Deep inside your soul there's a hole you don't wanna see. Covering it up like a cut with the likes of me. You know I've really tried, I can't do anymore about you.
(Yeaaahh)
The cut's getting deeper.
(Yeaaahh)
The hill's getting steeper.
(Yeaaahh)
I guess I'll never know what's really going on inside you.
I can't get my head around you.
I can't get my head around you.
I can't get my head around you.
I can't get my head around you.

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